Arrivederci Malaysia, Ciao Roma!

I am having a long weekend in Rome with the girls this weekend: it was booked when my assignment was still finishing in March, so I have to travel back to the UK first and then out to Italy, then back to the UK and then to Malaysia again in the space of a few days: I expect I will be shagged by the end of next week! Anyway, will deal with that by drinking copious amounts of booze...

The one thing I hate about flying is immigration. It’s always a fiasco and this time is no different, and I cannot understand what the big hold up is – we are leaving the country, for fuck’s sake! Anyway, this officer tells the biggest queue to split and move along to a counter right down the other end which has now opened, so a number of us hurry down to lane 41, trying to get ahead of each other,  where this fat immigration cunt is giving everyone the third degree as he deigns to stamp their passport. 

Then there’s a problem with someone’s papers and he disappears, leaving the rest of us looking at the original queue that we’d left dwindle to nothing. Bollocks!

Though I hate immigration, and some of the Jobsworth officers, I hate those people who try to push to the front of the queue because their flight is closing, and they feel they have the right to jump ahead of everyone else that managed to get to the airport on time. Thankfully, the fat interrogator also hates these people and one who is profusely falsely apologising to everyone as he works his way to the front, gets told to return to the back of the queue by this officer, and I instantly have respect for him, and even smile at him as he eyes me with suspicion whilst stamping my exit.

I try to get into the Malaysian Airlines Lounge using my silver card but apparently you need to be a platinum member to have unlimited access – if I have been flying MAS, then I could have used some points to get in, but as I am flying Thai Airlines, I cannot. The condescending wanker on the desk tells me to keep on flying with MAS, maybe using Business or First Class to boost my points and then I could get access to the lounge. Fuck off, turd. 

I skulk away and make my way towards the gate to wait for the flight...

Road Home

After cleaning up form the trek, we met one of Arif's colleagues who was in town for the weekend and had dinner, before going to say hello to her parents and family and then embarking on the 200 or so kilometre trip back to KL – this time taking the N-S Expressway rather than the smaller roads, as it was late and I was tired. 

I have written before about the driving techniques of the Malaysians having a lot to be desired – sometimes it’s funny to observe, e.g. in town, on the way to work etc; other times it’s just downright dangerous and scary. I’d be driving along nicely when out of the blue would come a pair of headlights up behind me, and would then disappear as they either zoomed round me or, as in most cases, they were so close to me that the lights were hidden! At some points too I had to squint ahead of me to work out whether there was actually a car there or not – headlights / taillights appear to be optional too. Naturally we see a few accidents – I wonder how long it’ll be before the police or government do something about this recklessness?

We make it back in one piece a couple of hours later (OK, so I didn't exactly stick to the speed limit either...)

Wet And Bloody. Or Bloody Wet.

Time to descend – and though there were Landrovers about, we decided that downhill would be easier and set off on our way, stopping at the first waterfall to wash faces and feet and fill up our water bottles – I was still not convinced this was such a good idea, and I hesitated before taking my fist glug of stream water – cool, clean, tasteless, refreshing, gorgeous, live giving, amazing, beautiful water! Yum! Feeling much better, and rehydrated we make our way down.

If I didn’t think that drinking the water was a good idea after all, then continuing on foot was also probably not such a great one either, and after about one or two kilometres the storm that had been brewing ominously overhead finally broke and the heavens opened. At first, this was fine; the rain was very refreshing and the canopy gave us enough shelter so all was OK. However, eventually, even the canopy couldn’t really shield us and once the weather had soaked us through and had turned into a tropical torrential downpour, I wanted to be rescued by a Landrover.

The Tea House (Closed) was not far away, so we sheltered on the steps there until the rain and storm subsided, which was only about half an hour or so – before continuing down, dodging the warm and dry (and full) Landrovers and making our way down again. Seven kilometres, six, five.., and then the storm broke again, this time with a vengeance and the road turned to a river: I think it would have been easier to build an arc and sail down than try to walk in my shoes, that had now turned into slimy cork ridiculousnesses that my tortured feet kept slipping through.

Fuck’s sake, this was probably the stupidest thing I had done for a while. We were both completely drenched through and took rest in one of the (non refreshment selling) stop points along the way, stripped off and wrung our clothes out for while as we waited for the worst of the rain to subside. It was not going to stop, judging by the clouds, so we decided just to carry on regardless – we were already completely soaked, so we couldn’t get any wetter.

Eventually we made it down to the base, and we must have looked crazy: the weather had broken and was lovely, and there we were, emerging from the rainforest, blistered feet, muddy calves, soaked through to the skin and looking like death. I had also become the host for a leech too, that had gorged on my tasty blood and dropped off, leaving an open bite on my right lower leg pouring with blood, covering my ankle and foot. 

I must have looked like something out of a horror story.

Water, Water!

Once we'd reached the top of Bukit Larut, exhausted and thirsty and horrified that the cafe was closed, we chatted to another couple whom we had passed along the way about refreshments, and they said that they’d drunk from the streams along the way and that it was perfectly safe. I was not convinced – I remember my Army cadet days, and a video of a soldier drinking from a bubbling brook, and the camera panning up the hill to a dead and rotting sheep that was lying bloated and maggot ridden in the water.

As we walked about he top of the hill, we passed a couple of guys sitting on a picnic bench enjoying a 100-Plus drink and water and I almost offered them 100MYR for a sip, but they had polished them off by the time I had made up my mind to do so and tossed the empties into a nearby rubbish bin! Later, we rummaged around in that rubbish bin to find these bottles – not to drink the dregs, but to use to carry water from the (hopefully non contaminated) waterfalls.

Bukit Larut - In These Shoes?

After breakfast, some photo taking around the resort gardens and the checking out, we decide to head back to the Lake again, but inadvertently end up at this place called Bukit Larut – or Maxwell Hill. Apparently there is a massive waterfall (which we could see form the lake) there so we decide to go to the top. The dick of a ticket seller grunted something in Malay at me as we walked in, and Arif engaged in a conversation with him, and he seemed to change his attitude. Anyway, upshot is that the landrovers that take you to top are not running for a few hours, so we decide to walk. How hard can it be?

Maybe doing this trek in a pair of Birkenstocks was not the best idea I have had: we started off well, enthusiastic, taking photos and chatting gaily but as the kilometres clocked up, and the incline stepped up, the photos became less prolific, the enthusiasm waned and talking became almost a break between the groans of horror as we turned each steep corner to find an even steeper corner to walk up! My feet were beginning to preoccupy me a bit, and I could feel the blisters burning, so I decided to walk barefoot for a while, which was surprisingly easy underfoot, so carried on for a kilometre or so, swapping between torture implement (Birkenstock) and barefoot. I refreshed my feet in a waterfall along the way which was bliss – and I had to remind myself that although pain all around, the scenery was absolutely beautiful – lush vegetation, stunning views, amazing canopy effects from the trees. What an amazing place!

I must admit, I did rather hope that there would be some refreshment spots along our hike: I get the feeling that a lot of Malaysians are opportunist businesspeople, so was surprised to find no one selling water, coconut juice or nasi lemak along the way. Of course, we had no water with us, which was not a problem when we were at the beginning of the hike, but as we climbed and sweated like cow's wotsits, we were both a tad dehydrated… Then we spotted this huge sign for a Tea House and a grand building just ahead – hurrah! 

It might as well have been a mirage for all use it was – it was closed up, unfinished. Bastards!

So we marched onwards and upwards and the kilometre markers gradually count us down to ‘Bukit Larut – 1 km’ and we scream with delight, taking photos at this spot. Not long now, and I was beginning to feel that I can’t really goon much further without some sort of refreshment or food, and then we se the final marker, in the middle of a long stretch of uphill road.

Erm, so what now? Were we there? I fucking well hoped we weren’t, as there was absolutely nothing there at all. So we walked further and about another 500m we saw signs of what could be a landmark ‘top of a hill’ open space – a pagoda, viewpoints, chalets, gardens etc – lovely. And A CAFE!!

Which was closed.

We sat almost crying with joy that we’d climbed all this way (was an amazing achievement); pain caused by ruined feet; joy as said feet felt the cool grass of the picnic area and disbelief at the fact the fucking café all the way up here was closed! Most of the other visitors that were here (it wasn’t that busy, thankfully) had come up in the landrovers that had started running so they were all refreshed and skipping about the place, whereas the few of us that had climbed looked like wrecks!

Taiping

Time was marching on, so we hit the road again and head towards Taiping, taking the back roads rather than the Utara-Selatan Expressway, as it meant we could pass through all these lovely kampungs and see real Malaysian village life – lovely! The only downside was the fact that lorries would also be using these roads (I guess to avoid paying tolls) and they were cunts to try and overtake.

We arrive in Taiping at about 6 pm and immediately (accidentally) find the Lake Gardens, which are absolutely lovely and their beauty unfolds as we walk through them and around the lakes. A full circuit takes about an hour, and it starts to rain so and we change our minds about leaving so soon to get to Pangkor – instead, we think about booking into a hotel nearby so we can explore here more tomorrow, and find this rainforest resort called Sentosa and book it. I love the Internet!

As it is raining now, we head to the hotel: it was clearly very quiet as the multitude of hotel staff was falling over themselves to help and serve us! All I wanted was a nice G&T, but I doubt the rooms come equipped with that.

Exploring Perak Part III - Kuala Kangsar

Nicely back in the air-conditioning of the car, we make our way to Kuala Kangsar – the Royal State capital who’s attractions really centre about the Royal Palaces (old - Istana Kenangan and new) and the State (Ubudiah) Mosque – both of which are amazing. As we are in the Mosque grounds, the adhan (call to prayer) starts which makes me jump - no idea why, seeing as I live right next door to the Federal Mosque and hear this call on a daily basis.

We chat later about the wearing of headscarves and he said it was partly to make the woman look less desirable so men wouldn’t lust after them. Of course I think this is utter bollocks – a man can walk around practically naked, but a woman have to cover up in case their bare skin forces a man to have urges towards her. We move on from the subject quickly.

Exploring Perak Part II - Kellie's Castle and Kampar

Minor annoyance with GPS and Parking fine over, we head to our next place, Kellie's Castle, via this old town called Kampar. This place was lovely – lots of old interesting and dilapidated buildings, and it was so quiet, maybe it was turning into a ghost town…

A few kilometres along the road we arrive at Kellie’s Castle – a beautiful unfinished castle built by this Scotsman who was living here in the 19C. It’s supposed to be haunted, but I don’t really believe in such things, though I did find myself hanging around the haunted room al bit longer than the others, maybe hoping to catch a glimpse of the 6-year-old ghost of Kellie’s daughter…

Alas no, all that was there was a load of bat shit on the floor and a what looked like a wasps nest in the corner, which made my skin crawl so I made a swift exit.

It was really hot, so drinks and ice creams later we were back in the air-conditioning of the car and on  our way... 

Bajingans!

One of the problems with relying on GPS, is that GPS relies on the roads being charted: GPS didn’t know that we were in Teluk Intan, and therefore Daniel GPS couldn't calculate how to get us out... and so our idea of just ‘sticking to this road until we see a road sign’ didn’t play out too well, as the road got smaller and smaller, ending up as a single track heading towards the river! Woops.

A u-turn later and back to where we began, and drove until the GPS found a road and Daniel sounded quite relieved to be ‘recalculating, recalculating’ – so off to the next destination: Kellie’s Castle. Along the way we passed these lovely lush green paddy fields and I just pulled the car over to take some photos, only to find that when we got back to the car, we’d been given a parking fine in Teluk Intan! Bajingans! I will need to get someone at work to sort that out for me next week, as I can’t understand the ticket (all in Malay) to work out how to pay it; and Arif who can understand Malay, couldn't work out how to actually pay the ticket!

Exploring Perak Part 1 - Teluk Intan

Up too early on a Saturday morning (0730) to get on the road for an exploration around the Royal State of Perak, in the West of the peninsular. Armed with my GPS and iPhone music, we head towards Bidor (where I'd been before for famous duck soup with Charles, Adrian and Edwin on a previous visit to Ipoh). Initially we take the North-South Expressway to get that far, but then take the quieter road to our first stop - Teluk Intan, a small town with a leaning tower (Menara Condong). 

We pass a load of old buildings on the way into the town centre and park up, before getting out for a wander about the town taking photos and finding a place for coffee / breakfast. The tower is nice, a bit weird and a little bit out of place, and I am not sure why it’s leaning. After wandering around the tower and piazza, we head back to some older town buildings that we passed on the way in, before finding coffee and food. 

I must admit, I didn’t think the food was up to much in this place that we’d found: the restaurant had no name, so I couldn’t check in and criticise… we had nasi lemak with prawns (small with shells on adding an extra (unwanted) crunch), topped with a cold greasy fried egg. I was hungry enough to eat most of it and then head back to the car to continue our journey.

Well What Am I Supposed To Do Now?

I forget that other people need to work at weekends sometimes... and this weekend a lot of the people I know are away working. How selfish of them... who is going to entertain me!?

I am, of course, joking: but rather than spend a weekend in my apartment with the curtains drawn wearing a dark veil and crying, have arranged to go on an exploration around Perak, a State in the west – to Ipoh, Teluk Intan, Kuala Kangsar, Kampar, Taiping and the island of Pangkor with a friend that is not away this weekend...

Porridge

I meet up with the boys later for some dinner in Cheras – and they try to get me to eat something called porridge, which has the consistency of wallpaper paste, but nowhere near as tasty.

I have tried to eat it before a couple of times but I just can't do it. 

Apparently you are supposed to flavour it with a load of side dishy bits, but I still didn't get it - I'd have rather just eaten the side dishy bits...

Not for me this. Sorry.

Splish Splash

I am up really early today as my friend, Arif, wants to take me somewhere for fresh air to help me blow away my rotten bugs. I have no idea where we are going, but I have to be at his for about 7.30 am – on a Sunday! I ask if there is anything I need to bring, and he just says that I probably need a change of shorts and t-shirt as the are likely to get wet… 

Anyway, I make my way to his place and after a coffee we head out towards Ampang. We are going to Hutan Lipur Sungai Congkak – which is a waterfall / stream / camping area about 30-40 minutes from the city and being so early in the morning, the temperature is cool, weather is fantastic and there is no traffic on the road...

We park the car and make our way through the resort to the furthest spot away form the car park – to keep away from the other tourists that would be gathering later on, and to give us a bit of privacy whilst we strip off and splish splash about in the water. Privacy was also needed to protect the Malaysian public from my belly!

The water was amazing - freezing cold and so powerful it was like a massage, just what I needed after feeling miserable for almost a week.

The End Of The World

Feel like shit on the day after Labour Day holiday, and nothing to do with any type of excess – I think I have come down with a bug… I realise that I am getting worse during the morning and I head home in the afternoon and sleep for about 4 hours.

The next day I am sick – I have got man flu: I cannot move properly, I have fever and a headache, plus I feel like death. Oh, woe is me! Naturally I send out pathetic 'poor me' messages and Facebook updates in an attenpt to get some sympathy, and all I get from one of my good friends is an SMS saying “take care” 

Take. Care. Is that it?! Bitch.

Followed by a Facebook message saying 'think you might have dengue fever'

Oh, brilliant.

Anyway, my messaging works and a more sympathetic friend comes over and makes chicken soup, which was really lovely. 

Cough, cough, cough, sniff, sniff, sniff. AITCHOOOOOO!

Labour Day

Get a call from Adrian asking if I want breakfast and I assume it’s over at the usual place in Sunway Dataran, as he asks me to meet there. When I get there, I get a cryptic call saying 'don't get a seat in the restaurant, just wait for us on the road', which I do, like a common prostitute…

When they arrive they say that we are going to Klang for bak kut teh – what a great idea! I did think - 'another road trip out for a bowl of soup' (re: the Genting thing yesterday), but I'd never been to Klang, so it was something different. And certainly worth it - the soup was delicious.

Afterwards we headed to this place called Hulu Yam for a picnic: and sort of typically though, the actual picnic area was more like a roadside lay-by, but after a glass of wine and a bit of pizza, it didn’t seem to matter - the views of the lake and dam were great.

Nearby was a small village that apparently had the best prawn noodles, but when we arrived it was completely packed and to be honest, we were all a bit stuffed, so we gave the prawns a miss and headed to a waterfall area instead and climbed about in the water for a while. The only thing that spoiled this was the tonnes of rubbish strewn around the riverside...

After a few hours here we head back to KL via this smart residential area called Desa Park City for a drink and I then head home to relax before having to go back to work tomorrow. 

What a lovely weekend – and it seemed to last for ages. 

All That Way For Soup

A few of us had talked about going out for a day trip to somewhere like Kuala Selangor, Fraser Hill or something like that to make the most of the long Labour Day weekend, but nothing really developed into a concrete plan - which was fine, as it was just nice to relax into long weekend. 

During a coffee/food session after a gym session in Fitness First, Mont Kiara, we discuss the fact we’d said we’d do something, and decide to head to Genting for the evening and (hopefully) the night, so we can go to the casino all night and then take a walk around the surrounding areas the next day – sounded like a plan to me!

Anyway, we rush back to their place, via my place to pick up some clothes and an overnight bag, and we’re off to Genting. It’s not that far away and we reach the cable car, which takes us up to the hedonistic playground where we try to get rooms. Every hotel is completely booked. Bollocks.

This means that we only have a couple of hours before the last cable car back to the car park so we have some dinner (wan-tan soup), wander about the place and decide to head home! How ridiculous – drive all the way to Genting for a bowl of soup!

Just as we were leaving, I said that we should at least have a look round the casino, so we quickly zip around, before heading back down on the 'longest cable car in the world' apparently...

Sing, Sing A Song...

The subject of going to Karaoke has often come up in conversations (usually in bars) and I have typically responded with "one day". Anyway, that day arrived today and having felt a bit gripy all morning, I really wasn’t sure whether I was looking forward to karaoke tonight. That and singing in front of new friends could be a bit awkward... 

One thing I did know for sure was that I needed plenty of booze to help me along... and a few bottles of wine later, I was up for anything. 

I must say that the choices of songs in the Teo Heng KTV Studio were not that great so I had little material to work with (my excuse anyway!)… Weirdly they had lots of recognisable and famous artists, but the songs that were available were either unknown to me or not the most famous.

I did manage to find some to sing along to, probably to the horror of my friends and though I thought I was doing quite a reasonable job of, in reality I was probably torturing them.

Oh well, at least I did it, and it was a lot of fun - I had a real laugh and we were all a bit pissed afterwards.

Move over Gaga...

The next day brings a huge hangover, and I crawl out of bed realising that my throat feels slightly worse for wear probably as a result of screaming out Kelly Clarkson and other such numbers!

(Don't) Touch 'N' (Cannot) Go

I use a Touch'N'Go card. Touch'N'Go cards are like any pay-as-you-go payment cards and are used for paying for the highway tolls and, if you choose to, car-parking. Very useful, and saves handling all that dirty cash. Unlike most other payment cards, however, you are charged more for using your paperless, electronic, simple system when paying for car parking - a good way to encourage you to use it hmm?

Anyway, me and Adrian need to top up our Touch’N’Go cards, so we pull into the nearest petrol station, only to be told that they had ‘reached their allowance for top-up’. 

What? What the fuck does that mean? 

Hmm - another way of encouraging people to use this system - apply a limit to the authorised 'topper-uppers'.

Anyway, doesn't really matter as you are also (for a handling charge!) able to top up using Maybank ATMs, so we tried the one in the shop – nope, that doesn’t want to work either. 

What a stupid system: I wonder if the brainboxes behind the idea sat in a room and said "I know, lets implement a paperless, automatic, convenient way of paying for tolls, parking etc, then charge extra for using it, make it impossible to add any money to the card, and when they do find someone that will add credit - charge them for the privilege!! - Hoorah!!"

Fucking idiots.

I am calm by the time I get to my car (after topping up at the next petrol station that had not ‘reached their allowance for top up’) and head home to the gym before out again for food, drinks and karaoke later...

Don't Push Too Hard

Urgh. I am hungover due to a night out drinking with friends, and woken up by a message from one of said friends asking if I want to go for breakfast with a few people, which was nice.

I think the food may have been too much for my body to deal with and gives me gripy and gurgly stomach afterwards, making the rest of the day a bit uncomfortable: I hate the feeling of either wanting to crap, being too scared to fart in case it’s not a fart etc. 

After breakfart We head into KLCC to the HomeDEC exhibition, a bit like the Ideal Home in London, and whilst  my friends buy appliances, flooring and browse curtain material, I spend the time thinking I need a poo.

Giant Pretzel

It’s the Royal Wedding today and I have decorated my desk with flags and other Royal paraphernalia – all very ironic seeing as I am not a fan of the Royal family at all, but it’s all just a bit of fun.

I try to watch the live coverage during the day but the network is shit so it’s quite difficult. I leave early-ish and watch the live coverage on the BBC News at home – amazingly it sort of sucks you in and I spend a couple of hours just watching the whole thing, in and out of getting ready for going out tonight.

What the fuck has Princess Beatrice got on her head? Looks like a giant pretzel (which she’d scoff afterwards if it was, no doubt). Poor Eugene and Bea - they really are the ugly sisters.

It’s a real fashion disaster, and even inspires someone to create a Facebook page!

Carnageabout

A different route today and I go through the Plaza A toll and take the correct left turn and this seemed a pretty good way to come to the office until I got about 500m away and had to make a right turn across 6 lanes of traffic that was queuing back from the ‘roundabout’ outside the office. 

I say ‘roundabout’ because, although having the appearance of a circular concrete traffic controlling system, there are apparently no right of way rules; everyone just joins and hopes for the best. It’s probably better described as a carnage-about. 

Club Tropicana

I managed to work out how to take that left turn that I couldn’t do yesterday and it turns out that this new office is actually a lot simpler to get to than the old office in Lien Hoe, in Tropicana, so that’s a plus. 

The downsides are that 

a) I no longer have the word 'Tropicana' in my work address

b) the traffic is a bit pants: I did find myself riding on the empty outside lane for a lot of the time, getting to the front of the queue where you are supposed to turn right. I hate people that do that. 

Weirdly no-one else was doing this, which I found odd seeing as the driving etiquette over here is non existent and most drivers would try to cut in front of you on the highways if you had more than half a car’s space ahead of you. That and look like they'd rip your head off if you get in their way.

GPShite

First day in the new office and I get lost on the way to work as the pissing GPS doesn’t realise that there is a kilometre long concrete planter blocking the left turn it kept on insisting I took.

"Turn left. Turn LEFT. TURN LEFT. Recalculating…recalculating…recalculating", screams Daniel, GPS

Alas, it spent so long recalculating that I missed what was the next correct turning and ended up going miles out of fucking way. Bollocks.

Anyway, I eventually found the place and it’s pretty nice – much better than the old place, which had a smell of shit as you approached the office reception (probably due to the toilets that could be used by anyone being located right there).

Where's The Trifle?

I have done a whistle-stop trip back to the UK for a face to face meeting and am heading back to KL again. 

There’s a 2 or 3 year old girl on the flight back sitting two seats away from me and I instantly (and audibly) groan when she gets on board with her mother, expecting a little brat to be causing havoc for the journey. She’s actually very well behaved for the most part of the flight, only getting really bored about 8 hours in and running about the cabin, opening and slamming shut every openable and slam-shuttable thing she could. Now where did I put that Night Nurse trifle…